even monsters have nightmares
by mirassana
Summary: #2 - everything has been slowly falling apart just the same way her heart breaks into pieces when Kagura could only watch her brother's back as he strolled out of their home with Mami's old umbrella down in the rain
1. Chapter 1

_**even monster have nightmares**_

 **a/n** : I do not accept the fact that Umibozu's death flag has been raised and Kagura has suffered too much from her life. And also the idea of Gintama ending soon. It makes me cry ;{

 **disclaimer** : im not the gorilla.

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 _chapter 1:_ _ **lonely night rabbit**_  
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 _(Whenever Kagura dreams, it was composed of food, fighting, sadaharu, dung beetles but sometimes, she sees her old life she had left behind.)_

The first week she had settled down in the Yorozuya, she dreams of her frail mother, Kouka, smiling and twists her hair while she tells her the best bedtime stories to lull her to sleep.

Kagura snuggles at her and Mami smiles.

But then, the smile was gone and was replaced by a cough followed by another, again and again and again until red sticky blood spurs out of her lips and droplets falls on the blanket much to Kagura's horror. But Mami tells her it's nothing and pretends that she is alright with a fake smile like Kamui's. (Mami lies, Kagura knew it well).

She firmly tells Kagura to lie down in bed with her (Mami is tired and so is she) and shuts the lamp off for the both of them to sleep.

It was supposed to be a happy moment if weren't for the cold, cold, lifeless body she sleeps beside.

 _(Gintoki woke up that night at her screaming and sooths the terrified girl by giving her his favorite strawberry milk carton and tells the brat to go back to sleep._

 _The next morning, he found Kagura curled up in his futon beside him, sleeping peacefully with a drool. )_

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It was raining so hard the second time, but it was more of a blurry memory back from her place. She remembers her house (she calls it house, not home because it doesnt exist and it will never be) with Papi standing before her with a big purple umbrella as he pats her head gently. Kamui is there too, his face was shadowed under his hair and seemingly doesn't want to speak with him (he is angry at Papi but she never knows the whole reason)

"I will come back"

Papi says it, bland and toneless, like it was nothing. He looks so tired (so she doesnt ask if she can come too)

She feels the slightest feeling of abandonment in her stomach (and so does Kamui) but she ignores it. Kagura knew it was for her mother's sake, for them. (He had to leave or else they won't be eating three meals a day and Mami will never get better, she convinces herself)

She bits her lip and stares longingly at her father's retreating figure, silently praying, hoping, that he changes his mind and doesn't leave them.

But he doesn't and none of it happened.

He never even look back, at her, at them, and it hurts like a million needles had struck at her heart. It hurts even more when she looks at her brother's sad face that mades her want to cry.

Papi never mentions when he'll be back.

But she waits.

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The smell of the rain is still embed in her mind along with red substance that covered Kamui's hands when he ripped off two or four Yato's (she lost count of them) that tried to hurt her. He had been fighting and beating up bullies in the dark alleys and always come home with bandages on his arms. (He always hides his injuries from Mami behind his back with a fake stupid smile)

She is not sure how long he has been at it. But this time, this is too much. Kagura knows better that her brother is a fighter, the one that protects her and Mami safe while Papi is gone.

But her brother had never gone down on killing up people or ripping their organs apart for enjoyment. He never had dark glint on his blue irises (it shrunk so slow that it became barely visible from the field of her vision) and the twisted malicious wide grin that tells death before, but not until right now.

"Kamui"

Kagura calls his name, voice cracks and falters in fear and words are stuck dry down inside her throat. She looks at him, and it reminded her of the look he had when he was battling (killing) Papi (or when he brutally ripped his left arm in front of her and Mami).

He looks like the bad villain on Mami's stories. And it downright scares her to the bone.

"Please stop"

She tells Kamui, over and over, again and again. But he doesn't respond and too absorb on smashing his opponents head under his feet and arms without a slight hesitation or mercy on his movements. Kamui doesnt hear her desperate screams and wails at him or even acknowledges her presence at all. (or maybe she doesnt even exist) She thinks he is too far to reach and she feels helpless.

She falls a few steps backwards and cries for being a useless little sister behind his back.

This wasn't her big brother.

She doesn't know this stranger in front of her.

But she knew one thing.

This is a monster.

 _(Kagura wakes up sweating and goes straight into the bathroom, trying to wash the blood and memories off of her._

 _But no matter how many times she washed them away, they wouldn't go.)_

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 _ **tbc**_

 **a/n** : a/n: the angst of the manga made my heart broke while writing this (I even cried). I dont even know if this fic makes sense (this is my second try on practicing fanfics and i'm not fluent in english sorry) but I hope it's good.


	2. Chapter 2

_**even monsters have nightmares**_

 **a/n** : this is posted late. I'm sorry for the lack of okita and kagura's interaction, first few chapters are focused on family drama and platonic relationships. hope you enjoy.

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 _chapter 2: **broken puzzle pieces**_

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 _(Everything has been slowly falling apart just the same way her heart breaks into pieces when Kagura could only watch her brother's back as he strolled out of their home with Mami's old umbrella down in the rain)_

"Where are you going?" Kagura asks quietly one day. The rain is strangely pouring more harder and heavier and she grimly remembers it was also raining when Papi left.

But it wasnt Papi. It was Kamui who is leaving.

He is going to places far away from her and Mami, she thinks, somewhere that sheds too much blood and sunlight for his own liking and much more terrifying than the monsters that crawls under her beds.

"Dont go!" Her tiny scream echoes across the pavement.

And for once, Kamui actually listens to her and stops on his feet. But the world goes deathly silent for a long time, no words were spoken from his lips and it gradually became too deafening to Kagura's ears. She hated the silence the same way she hates the rain.

But she is not the one who breaks it.

Kamui turns around, eyes wide open but they are dull and vacant when they lack the lust of red dripping liquids and ripping organs apart.

"Get lost. I have no use for weaklings"

He spoke, smiling, but his voice is bitter and raw on each edges like lethal poison dripping out from a snake's fang. Kagura thinks she can taste the venom of each word as it slowly yet painfully tears down her walls and let the darkness creep in every corner.

He gives her one last smile (He always (fake) smiles even if there's nothing worth to smile on) before he walks away permanently from their family, away from her life.

Kagura wanted to say something to him to make him stay. She wanted to yell at him ,to stop being an idiot big brother, to stop abandoning Mami and to stop leaving her all alone over again.

 _Please come back._ Kagura begs. _Don't leave me. Don't leave me alone, nii-chan._

She blinks back her tears when Kamui doesn't answer while she helplessly watch his back from afar like how she had watch Papi leave and never came back.

The rain falls harder even more.

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There is hollow feeling left inside Kagura's chest ever since Papi and Kamui had gone away. It feels cold and burning the same time, and it suffocates her. And the pressure grows stronger, and colder (and she felt like she was drifting apart) when she found Mami on her bed one day, smiling and looks very much peaceful but Kagura knew something was off when she felt that Mami's skin is too cold as the rain and all of her fingers are stiffed as solid rock. She viciously crushes the feeling of pain and anxiety forming inside her chest because it hurts, it hurts so much that Kagura cannot breathe.

"Mami wake up" She says and tries to stay calm - inhale exhale inhale exhale - but the seams was starting to break again and unshed tears are clouding her vision. She began shaking Mami's arms when its all too quiet and silence was too much painful to bear any longer.

"Please Mami. This is not funny anymore. Wake up" A dry hollow laugh came across from her lips. She fought too hard not to choke up on her words, she tried. She really tried-

"Please wake up..."

Something tiny breaks inside her as she says those words, it spreads like a deadly disease that makes her heart ache so terribly. Kagura leans her head on Mami's chest, searching for something, a sign or anything to make her feel relief. And when she found none, she felt her world crumbling.

No. Kagura wanted to scream. She did not want to believe this. She cant. She's not dead. Mami is not DEAD. But the horrible fact is just laying in front of her eyes.

Kagura (desperately) shakes up Mami's body, wailing, pleading for her to wake up, wishing this was just a nightmare and she would wake up and everything is alright. But it is not and everything is real. Mami wouldn't be opening her eyes anymore. She wont wake up.

 _(Shewillneverwakeup)_

"Please dont leave me alone..."

Mami doesnt hear her painful screams and her choke up sobbing nor sees the innumerable tears spilling down from the depths of the ocean of her eyes.

 _(No one does)_

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Kagura shoves down the burning anger and irritation bubbling on her chest when she realizes the presence looming behind her belonged to her bastard of a father. He came back the day after Mami's death, only to witness his child, helplessly burying her lifeless mother on a six feet hole on the ground in an empty cliff. Alone.

"Kagura"

She did not run to his arms when Umibozu calls her name. She did not hug him or greet him with warm smiles and "Welcome Home" Instead, Kagura does none but hugs her legs and presses her face down on her knees in front of the cold scrawny headstone. The rain is pouring down on her head so hard ( that she could imagine the weight of her family's burden weighing down on her) but she is too tired, too sleepy, too sick (of waiting for bald fathers and stupid big brothers, of burying ill dead mothers and being left behind by everyone around her in this damned world) to care about her well being.

"Mami is dead"

Umibozu sat next to her, thrusting his torn umbrella on the side, offering his respects and silently mourned for his dead wife. Kagura did not spare a glance at him when he nods quietly and continues staring ahead at the grave instead.

Papi is an idiot, she thinks. He really is. He shouldn't have come back to his miserable planet, pretending that he is still a father and had a family to go back to. He had already discarded them behind for god-knows-how-many-long years and for as long as she knows, the bastard had not even bother to write them a letter, not once in her life in this place of hell hole. The bald idiot had failed his priorities as a father, he is too busy saving the damn universe and fighting aliens and monsters to notice that stupid Kamui had already cut off all of his connections and fled away from them, that Mami is dying and is already dead, that Kagura is all alone. And that his whole family is gone and he couldnt even save them from being teared apart.

"Papi" She finally says. There's a big lump on her throat and she swallows it hard. Very hard. "You don't have to leave anymore. Just...stay with me. I'm lonely..."

Umibozu gets up and dusts the mud off of his cape, pulling his umbrella with him. There were no words of comfort and he only stares at her - those eyes, mourning, broken, and tired but those are nothing compared to what she feels - and sighs.

"I cant"

He walks away.

Kagura feels like crying all of a sudden. But there were no tears, no matter how much she wants to cry so bad, because every inch of her emotions had gone dry long time ago. Or perhaps, her body has simply gotten too numb from the rain and dullness from too much crouching in the mud for a long period of time.

 _Emptiness_ , she thinks. Maybe, maybe this is what had Kamui felt years ago.

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Kagura greets her opponents with umbrella bullets and small fiery fists when a group dirty cheap bastards had launch a surprise attack behind her. She fights them head on, clenched knuckles paling in color white and rough hands tightly keep on her umbrella.

But they throw it back with a double amount of force that almost makes her want to cry and go back home to Mami to ease the pain. (But there is nothing to go back, only a creeking house and a dead grave waiting for her)

Kagura is losing but she gets up and bares a smile - to show that she is not a weakling - then throws a punch and a kick on the way and then be beaten up. Once. Twice. Thrice. Repeat. Rewind. Again and again.

It doesn't surprise her anymore when she got pummeled into a pulp for less than ten minutes later and her opponents are totally unimpressed - _mocking, taunting and laughing_ \- when they learn how fucking pathetic she is as they look down on her while her body showers in blood and rain.

The rain splashes and Kagura wanted to cry. Because Papi left, Kamui is gone and Mami is dead. They're all gone and it's all her fault because she is so helpless and weak, like her brother had said, to stop her family from breaking apart.

She hears his voice again.

-no use for weaklings.

"I'm not weak..."She says and the beast stands, high and mighty "I'm not weak, Bakamui. I'll prove it to you"

She grinned.

The rain turns red.  
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 **a/n:** I have an unhealthy obssesion with (trying to) write angst stories (which I know I miserably failed) and sad character deaths, but dont worry yorozuya and okita will be up soon. see ya


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